just a random thought

i honestly believe it’s more damaging if someone emotionally cheats on you rather than physically going out and doing something with another person.now a days, there are so many different ways to disrespect your significant other and put the relationship at risk. back in the day it was just cheating when you sleep with another person, which is what my mom thinks, but i completely disagree. with all this technology and social media there are the simplest ways to cheat. in my opinion if you’re doing something you wouldn’t want your bf/gf doing then you’re doing something wrong. i know i’m not innocent, i often did things that i would get jealous over. i just think i’m not a relationship person. i’m not meant for relationships, or any of that lovey dovey stuff. do i want it? of course i do, more than anything. but i think i need to go through serious recovery before i’m ready again. you shouldn’t jump from relationship to relationship because you’ll bring your old relationship problems into your new relationship, which is exactly what happened with me and my ex. he accused me of all these things and didn’t give me any space and always made me feel like i was doing terrible things, when in fact it was just his insecurities. so since it was my first relationship, i thought that was normal. so i just stuck with it because i thought that’s what everyone dealt with behind closed doors. i’m sad that it’s not, that i put up with so much. i was physically cheated on a couple times, meaning nothing serious but definitely stuff you shouldn’t be doing while you’re in a relationship with someone you supposedly “love”. and to be honest it didn’t hurt nearly as bad as when i would see messages and texts and calls between my ex and other females. it hurt like hell. i think it’s harder to be emotionally cheated on because it’s emotional. it’s not just some sexual attraction. it’s an emotional attraction. they’re not making some half conscious decision to make out with the girl at the end of the bar because her dress fits her well. they’re making the serious effort to think of another like they think of you and talk to them as if they’re lovers also. it’s also harder because it’s really easy to talk yourself out of things like that. like oh we’re really old friends and we were just catching up. half the time you only end up seeing some of the messages that were received and sent. so you can only really know about those messages and i promise you whatever your worst fear is, it’s probably happened. a lot more was said than just those messages you saw. humans are shitty like that. you could be putting 100% into your relationship and the truth is, you can’t force someone to only want you. i can’t tell you how long i put up with this, honestly because i don’t even know. it happened all the time. i’m sort of disguisted that i actually meant so little to someone who meant the world to me. they didn’t care about my feelings at all and they laughed behind my back about everything. my feelings were mocked in public and only cared about in private. i think it’s a lot harder to leave because you’re just like “oh they were just talking its not that serious” but honestly when you look back you’ll realize how incredibly stupid you look. never settle. there’s always better. people told me thousands of times but you can’t really take advice. actually trusting peoples advice is the hardest. and you’ll never actually leave until you’re ready.

july 22 2014

i’ve been really busy the past couple days and will be super busy in the upcoming days too! we’re getting ready for our yard sale this weekend and next weekend i leave for vacation for 10 days! so time is going by slow but fast at the same time which makes me really happy! i’m super annoyed with tyler lately. i broke up with him forever ago it seems and he still finds ways into my social media interactions and notifications and i’m sorry but it’s just annoying i’m trying to move on with my life and i don’t need you bad mouthing me on social media indirectly at that. if you’re going to post about me at least include my actual name in the post. i think we’ve reached the anger of our break up. like if you wanna post mean stuff about me i sure can do the same. i’m not the retard out here saying i’m going to better myself then make updates about waking and baking. if you’re going to post things you wouldn’t want your family to see you should at least make your page private, lets not be dumb here. and saying you can’t wait til karma comes around and gives me what i deserve?! first off NO. you fucked with my feelings and life and my emotions for so many years. you constantly made me choose between you and multiple things/people who made me really happy and were actually important to me but i always chose you and i don’t even know why. i was so dependent on you and i look back and i’m so embarrassed that i ever was like that. you constantly treated me like shit. i did exactly what everyone warned me not to do which is fall for someone just because they told me nice things. which you did, sometimes. you emotionally abused me and that’s not okay. it will never be okay with me again. you’re not a good person. as for the karma thing, me doing what i did was actually karma for all the shit you’ve put me through. and don’t worry sweetie i’m sure there’s a whole lot more to come. not from me though, i’m not worried about your feelings or anything to do with you. you’re a scum piece of shit and i hate you for making me believe i was a bad person and you fucking took my sunshine away. you took my happiness away. the happiness i woke up with.

june 17 2014

so happy tomorrow is friday! today and yesterday have been absolutely horrible. i dropped my phone today and the screen seriously looked like it swallowed some shrooms but i restarted it twice and now its normal but sometimes the screen will black out for a second and things keep unexpectedly stop working which blows. i have to take it to a repair center and the closest one is all the way in Kent so i’m not sure when i’ll ever be able to take it there. i really hope that tyler gets the hint soon and leaves me alone. i don’t even wanna respond because then he won’t stop. he has a girlfriend why is he still talking to me? i think that’s really disrespectful & makes me wonder if he did the same thing when me and him started dating. he’s solid proof that people never change. i still don’t regret what i did. i’m really thankful that it happened. i knew i didn’t love him like that anymore but i couldn’t bring myself to leave him. but i think cheating is really solid and good reason. my mom always said when i was done, i would just know. and i do. i never randomly miss him at 2 am when i can’t sleep. when i want to lay in bed and cuddle he doesn’t come to mind. and that makes me beyond happy. i spent way too much time with the wrong person.

june 14 2014

i’m so excited for vacation! we’re leaving august 1 and will be gone until the 10th :) myrtle beach will always be my favorite place to vacation, partly because that’s where my family lives and i always miss them so much when i don’t see them for a while. it’s been almost two years so i’m really excited. all our lives have changed so much and i’m just so excited to see them and go to the beach and have a lot of fun with my friends and family. on a side note, spent the whole day with justin yesterday at a family thing and it was so awkward. i think it will get easier once i find someone new. i think it’s only awkward because he’s who i cheated on my boyfriend with, so there’s that thing there. but hopefully once i find someone new it’ll get better and then we can just be friends and forget it ever happened. spencer likes me a little and i sorta like him too but he’s also justin’s cousin so that’s odd. spencer doesn’t know what happened nor do i know how to bring it up to him but hopefully it won’t cause problems when that day comes, if it does come. i’ve heard that spencer can be sort of mean sometimes though but he’s really cute so i don’t know. hopefully i’ll be able to figure out my feelings better the next time we hang out but he works a lot so i’m not sure when that will happen.

so i’m really annoyed, my ex has took it upon himself to start harassing me. he texted me at 4 in the morning and he has continued to text me even though he hasn’t gotten a single response. i broke up with him nearly a month ago. i don’t have those type of feelings for him, i have feelings for our memories but not the person he has changed into. he has a girlfriend, only because hes dependent and needy and could not last in this world without having someone to tell him he’s a good person and they like him, but he still has a girlfriend. i find it so disrespectful if you continue texting your ex even after you are in a new relationship. especially considering we were together for a long time, i know you’re not just texting me cause we’re old friends. we’re not. he emotionally destroyed me and i’m probably gonna spend the rest of my 20’s picking up the damn pieces. i feel like this is just very immature of him to do. he does this every time i break up with him and i just don’t see how someone could not get the hint after being ignored?

i had such a great weekend! i thought i would end up doing nothing like most weekends but it was so great, and i’m so glad i made a lot of memories :) friday was a birthday party for my cousins little baby boy who turned two this past saturday! it was really great to see everybody. i was really nervous about my hair because i recently dyed it darker and with a purple tint but everybody loved it and i’m so happy. friday was also the fourth of july which is one of my favorite holidays so it was so great! i met my sisters friend andy which she reallly likes and he really likes her but i’m not ready to trust him because he messed around with her while he was still dating another girl so it’s gonna take some convincing for me! but i like him so far. he’s funny and they seem to like each other and they have this chemistry thing so that’s pretty cute. so friday night i was at home and really tired but then kyle decided he was gonna have a fire and justin was coming over to drink with him for a little bit! so me and brittiany decided to go out for a few minutes before bed BUT THEN ALL THESE PEOPLE SHOWED UP. zack, mitch, and spencer showed up so we stayed outside a bit longer. i decided to start drinking. i was a pretty comfortable drunk. i was just at that point where when you first stand up its sorta hard to walk straight but after a minute you get the hang out it. anyways it was really fun! i haven’t sat in front of a fire in at least a year or so so it was nice. having fires used to be my favorite thing to do in the summer growing up so it was really nice. i ended up staying up until like 6:30 with spencer and justin because we went to breakfast! it was really fun though despite how tired i was. i was happy because i actually did something fun for the fourth. if i was still with tyler we probably wouldn’t have even done anything, i don’t even know if we would have hung out to be honest because he always blew me off to drink with his friends that i’m not friends with so it’s always awkward whenever i tagged along. so i had a really good night and then saturday was a cookout at the cabin of kyles aunt which was really fun! spencer and justin both had to work though so i didn’t have that many people to talk to. but it was still a lot of fun i went paddle boating with brittiany and lainey. although i was so scared that i ended up using a life jacket since i’m the worlds most terrible swimmer and i didn’t know what would happen. (like lainey would have a temper tantrum and flip the boat) but we stayed at the cabin all day and left around 11 pm! i’m glad we left because the cabin next door were lighting off fireworks for like 30 minutes straight and they were just the loud annoying ones, not the pretty ones. but i had such a good weekend. ive found that i only have a lot of fun when i’m drunk but i’m young and that’s what i should be doing so i don’t feel guilt at all.

it’s been two and a half weeks. i have all my stuff back and he has his. it’s finally over. nobody really believes that it’s true. but i do, and that’s all that matters. it’s just crappy that people can’t be supportive friends even. but it’s okay, everyone is temporary and i’m not surprised. i never thought my life could change so much in such a short time, but i’m honestly happy and giggly over stuff i have no reason to be giggly over. it’s so fun to have a little crush on someone again. someone you know you’ll never end up with so you have nothing to worry about. ever since i first got hurt i started setting my standards looks wise extremely high so that i knew there was a small chance of being chose by them. i used to think that tyler was way too good for me just because he was a guy that said all the right things, was really tan, and got a lot of girls’ attention. BOY WAS I WRONG. i wonder if it’ll always be like that. the boys that seem perfect are actually fuckups and psychopaths and the average ones are actually decent human beings. they probably all suck though. i’m kinda disappointed i don’t miss him at all. i miss the attention, of course, but i don’t miss him. i don’t want him to come over and give me a hug and kiss and tell me i’m pretty. i don’t want anyone to. i’m so disguisted with the human race as of right now i just can’t really trust a soul and it’s easier to cry to myself then to put my faith into another person right now. but if i had to get my heart broken into a thousand more pieces and i had the choice it would be the boy who flipped my world upside down without even noticing or caring. it would be the boy who isn’t even amazingly attractive but makes me blush and really nervous. the one whos face is in my mind right now as reading this. i’ll never admit that what i did was right because it wasn’t but it didn’t feel wrong at all and i still don’t know what that means. but i get so excited every time i see him and it makes my whole day. five minutes makes my whole day. it really makes you wonder what you’ve really been missing out on. i used to be so afraid that i’d never find someone who made me feel any type of way besides tyler but maybe it’s not impossible and if i can feel butterflies and blush whenever a boy who kissed me at a concert comes around then maybe it’s possible.

I’ve been in a complicated relationship for five and a half years, I should be crying and going through separation anxiety or something right? I should be feeling some sort of sadness towards not talking to someone I’ve spent the past six years talking to every single day, but I’m not. I’m seriously spending 24/7 thinking about a boy who kissed me and held my hand. It’s scary how you can like someone so much but barely know anything about him, you just know that you want to know everything there is to know. You wanna laugh, cry, sleep, do stupid things with them and create the best memories of your life. You meet someone and you have more fun with them than you ever had with your ex. It’s terrible how you can feel so much for a person you hung out with one time. How can you feel such happiness from something so small, no matter what it is, as long as it involves that person. You don’t look at that person like that then something happens and you wonder how you ever didn’t think of them like that. I guess it’s true that everything does change in the blink of an eye

omg

So many things have happened from the last entry I wrote talking about my life. I had to withdrawal from college because it’s not something that I can afford at this time. I’m hoping to find a cheaper school and continue my education though. I went to Countryfest Friday night and kissed a boy who wasn’t my boyfriend. I have many mixed feelings about this. I actually felt something (which I haven’t in months) and it was just a big eye opener that I shouldn’t be with someone that doesn’t take my breath away. I feel like if I did something with another guy, then I must not really love my boyfriend, the way I should, so I ended things with him the following night. It was very hard and still is because I was in that relationship since 2008. I developed such a comfort zone that it’s very hard to just not go back to that like I have countless times. But I have to think about my happiness, not my comfort levels. I know now I need to step out and go out and have fun and meet people. I don’t wanna settle down too early, I wanna have fun while I still can. I’ve never been with another boy since I dated my now ex, so it’s a very hard time for me even though it was my decision. I don’t miss him, I just miss the company. And that’s how I knew I had to make the decision that I made. It has been four days and I know it will only get harder but I have to remember what I deserve, which is happiness. Not feeling alone even when you are with somebody. I’m very confused because I find Justin extremely attractive and I can’t help but smile and get butterflies when I look at photos from that night. I know it was just a drunk, one time thing but I can’t seem to stop thinking about him late at night. I know he is far out of my league though. I’ll be seeing him this Saturday at a Graduation party, and I just hope that things aren’t awkward or weird. I’m hoping to be able to put that night out of my head for the most part by then, but I doubt that will happen.

Dear old friend

There’s so many things I wish were different between us, like how we don’t talk anymore. The last few moments we’ve spoke, you’ve made me feel like I wasn’t worth a second of your time. That really fucking sucks. We were really close and you meant to me way more than I’ll ever actually let you know because that’s what I do. I don’t really tell people how important they are to me, and that’s just one of my flaws. I forbid to put myself out there. I’ve always been the person who has cared more my entire life, and all it does is fuck you up mentally and emotionally. There’s so many things I wish I could tell you and talk about with you. You were always the best at talking to me when I was upset and you always made sure that you cheered me up and helped me stop crying. I’ll honestly never be able to repay for the things you did for me. You mended my broken heart such an amount that I was just such a happier person when we were together. You’re such a good person, inside and out. I’m so sorry that I did the things that I did to make you feel like you didn’t mean anything to me. Our memories constantly play back in my mind all the time and I’m so mad at myself for messing up such an awesome friendship. I’d like to think I would change it if I could, but I don’t think you would so that doesn’t seem fair. I know you liked me so much and I’m sorry for making things so confusing for you. It still confuses me sometimes. I liked you too, but you liked me more. But you liked a lot of people, and so did I. It was terrible timing. But sometimes I like to think of the times we spent together, and I could never regret it. We bonded on such a level I can’t even describe it, and I honestly don’t think I’ll ever be like that with someone else. Just because of how bad it still hurts. For goodness sakes it’s been at least three years and I still get so upset I cry. People who say time heals everything is the biggest fucking liar ever. I genuinely liked you so much, just for the person that you were. It was the first time I liked someone for a reason other than what they looked like. That’s such a big deal for me, you’ll never really grasp that though. Sometimes I wish I would have been more open with you, but I remember that everything does happen for a reason. If you want to come back in my life, you will. I’ve never blocked you out, so you have no reason to believe I ever stopped caring about you. God I could get lost in our memories, it’s so easy. It’s hard because I met you, but my heart was already taken. It’s so confusing when you find someone who just makes you wonder what if.. you know? You’re a gem, don’t you ever forget it. Because I know that I will never forget you no matter how much I tried. Love you so much.